Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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