I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
