I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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