you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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