I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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