i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
