He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am midnight drunk by noon
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dating After Heartbreak
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?