how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
