What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
