I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
