mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
