my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
