Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Come on in and take your pants off
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