It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
