I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Randomize
