The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
