who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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