How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
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