dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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