i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
