Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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