I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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