dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
