I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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