Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
