we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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