Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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