if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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