Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
