there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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