Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
