Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
