she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
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