I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
