How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Someone came in the potted fern
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
