Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
