My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
