Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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