we have officially lost it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
