you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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