I just pynch a tree in the face
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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