Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
