i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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