Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There's always time for handjobs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
