they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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