i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
there is puke in my bra ... again
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
