I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
