All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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