I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
