We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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