It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
