With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
