weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
