You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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