Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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