I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize