so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
