I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
