covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
