I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My vagina just clenched in fear
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
